Am I prettier than her? I’m good at this but she’s better at that! I’m smarter than her, right? Why can’t I dress like her? Why does her family always take amazing holidays; we both work at the same company!

Comparing yourself to those around you or 10,000 km away is a very human experience but one that can lead to a dangerous spiral or push you out of your comfort zone. Why do we compare ourselves to others in the first place? How can comparing cause unimaginable pain or help us better our lives? Is it ever okay to compare yourself?

Well, let’s examine why we do this? In psychology, Leon Festinger’s social comparison theory, says that we can’t see how we stack up against others independently but only in relation to others. As social animals we are always trying to see if we are behind the pack (aka upward comparison) or ahead of the pack (aka downward comparison). This type of one dimensional thinking can lead to feelings of insecurity and envy for the former or arrogance and overconfidence for the latter.

Comparisons can come in many forms: appearance, wealth, intelligence, abilities in your chosen field – the list is endless. However, we must remember that each of us have unique lived experiences. How I show up in the world is going to be vastly different from you even if we live in the same city, graduated from the same university and work for the same company. My background, family dynamics and lived experiences will vastly differ from yours and those differences will make comparison subjective even when measuring very objective things (ie., how many languages someone speaks). The fact is I can speak 3 languages on a very good day but my friend is fluent in 5 everyday. Those are cold hard facts! However, the reason behind those differences matter as well. She enjoys learning and speaking multiple languages and I needed them so I could navigate my expat world, nothing more. Does that make her better than me, smarter than me? NO, and this is where the downward spiral can start.

Instead of appreciating my friend’s ability to speak five languages, I begin to harshly judge myself. This can lead to me thinking that I’m not capable when in reality, I never even tried, it just wasn’t that important to me. Comparing ourselves to others diminishes who we are, our growth in other areas and what we offer to our communities. The feeling of “less than” impacts how we see ourselves and ultimately can deter us from trying new things.

Like most things in life, there is a flip side. Comparing ourselves to others in a healthy way can help us improve our lives and reach goals that we set for ourselves. If you have a colleague that is a great presenter, you can use your comparison as a baseline for where you are and ask for help in learning techniques to improve your presentation skills. Your goal is not to become a clone of your colleague but to enhance your own unique speaking abilities.

So the next time your comparison monster raises his head, remember that this is a natural part of the human biological makeup and you have to hone your skills to make the comparison a healthy experience and one that propels you forward.

Remember to keep, Enjoying the Journey!